


Pick-up lines as Written by Jesus

by BookHaven



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bad Pick-Up Lines, M/M, Tony Is A Dork, but still lovable, kind of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 16:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8721187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookHaven/pseuds/BookHaven
Summary: "Well, since your own words are failing you, maybe you just need to borrow somebody else's" Tony looked at him, and Rhodey could see the intrigue lighting up his eyes. He pulled out a book from his backpack and handed it to him.
"The Bible? What am I supposed to do with this?" 
"Let's just say, my man Jesus has a way with words"





	

**Author's Note:**

> During a youth group regional convention, they tasked us to write the ultimate love story using only quotes from the Bible and I have never laughed so hard before.

"That bad huh?" Rhodey leaned his shoulder against the wall, watching hi best friend repeatedly bang his forehead on his locker. Tony gave a disgruntled groan as a reply, but didn't desist in attempting to give himself brain damage. 

"Okay, okay, that's enough of that. Seriously Tony, you're being really dramatic" Rhodey said as he tried to pry Tony off the locker

"Actually, I think I'm being reasonably dramatic" 

"What went down this time?"

"You mean other than embarrassing myself completely in front of my long-time crush and ruining what little shot I had with him?" Tony’s voice drifted off, most likely reflecting on all the other failed encounters that involved his crush, "Again"

"Yes, other than that"

"I plowed into him, scattering all of his artwork on the floor, only managing to get the words 'I, Tony' out, then ran away, leaving him on the floor. I didn't even help him pick up his stuff. He probably thinks I'm an asshole"

"You are an asshole"

"Not helping"

"And hey, at least you said two words to him this time. That's two more than last time, I'm actually quite proud of you"

"Still not helping" Rhodey raised both hands in defense. 

"Honestly Tony, I've seen you charm and weasel your way out of every ridiculous situation you manage land yourself in with just your words. What makes Steve so different?" Tony tiled his head back against the wall as he contemplated his answer.

"I don't know, all I know is that whenever I'm in his presence, my brain shuts down, which is kind of counterproductive to my plan to woo him"

"Well, since your own words are failing you, maybe you just need to borrow somebody else's" Tony looked at him, and Rhodey could see the intrigue lighting up his eyes. He pulled out a book from his backpack and handed it to him.

"The Bible? What am I supposed to do with this?" 

"Let's just say, my man Jesus has a way with words"

"Please tell me you're joking"

"Completely serious, I bookmarked a section that you might find helpful" But Tony didn’t look the slightest bit convinced. "Just give it a shot, yeah? Can't possibly embarrass yourself more than you already have"

"I rather not test that theory, thanks"

The bell rang signaling the last period of the day. 

"Look, I have to head to class. At least think about it" Tony gave him a noncommittal shrug and watched him walk away. 

\---

Unlike Rhodey, Tony has a free period instead of class. He usually either head home early or work on his schematics in the courtyard. The courtyard was mostly empty at this time and the nicest place on campus, which helped him think. He didn't like this place because of the view of the library where Steve usually hangs out in front of during his own free period. 

Nope. Not the reason at all. 

Okay, maybe just a little bit of the reason. 

Steve just has to be so goddamn nice and considerate and it didn't help that he looks like a Greek Adonis. He was attractive enough that people would fight wars over him like Helen of Troy. Well, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but at the very least, Tony would fight a war for him. And yet, Tony is incapable of doing anything about his pathetic obsession other than pine from a distance. Much like what he is doing now. 

The Bible that Rhodey gave him, sat heavy in his backpack. He already read the section Rhodey marked for him and picked out quotes he could potentially use. 

_I can't believe I'm even considering it._

But Rhodey is right, Tony hasn't made any progress with Steve and it's not as if this would make things worse considering he's only ever said two words to him - and that was just today. 

_Just walk over there and say it. You have a list, just run through it. Move. Feet. Now._

And before his brain can fully comprehend it, Tony was right in front of Steve with his bright blue eyes looking up at him with a questioning glance. Steve opened his mouth to say something, Tony's not sure what, because his own mouth cut him off and kicked into overdrive. 

“Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Perfectly white and not one of them missing.”

“What?...Um thank you?” Steve’s eyebrows scrunched up in confusion but Tony didn’t stop to acknowledge it.

“Your name is like perfume poured out”

“Really? I thought Steve is a pretty common name–”

“Your eyes are like doves by the water stream, washed in milk, mounted like jewels”

“Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead”

“Your neck is like the tower of David, built with courses of stone - on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors”

“What does that even mean?” Steve’s face was full of bewilderment at Tony’s verbal vomit. Half from the fact that this was the most he heard Tony say to him and half from the…interesting choice of complements Tony was using. Most people would have aborted the mission by now, but Tony was nothing if not committed. 

“Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon, like lilies dripping with myrrh – they drop sweetness as the honeycomb. Milk and honey are under your tongue - it is sweetness itself”

“Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate”

“Your arms are rods of gold set with topaz”

“Your body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli”

“Your legs are a pillar of marble set on bases of pure gold, the work of artist’s hands”

“You are altogether beautiful. There is no flaw in you–“

Steve’s laughter thankfully cut off whatever else Tony intended to say. And for a moment, Tony was memorized by the brilliant smile and amusement that Steve was radiating. That is, until he realized that is was _him_ that Steve was laughing at.

_Rhodey, I am going to cut out your intestines and strangle you with them._

Tony could feel the blood rushing to his face and he swiftly turned to run the hell away.

“W-wait!” Steve struggled to say, gasping for air in between bouts of laughter. He quickly grabbed Tony’s wrist before he could make his escape. “Just, wait for a minute”

Tony stayed put and silent as he watched Steve try to regain his composure. He could feel the mortification sting at his eyes but held it in. He was not going to cry in front of him too dammit.

“You are adorable,” Steve finally said with a touch of fondness.

“What?”

“A complete dork” Steve said, smile never fading, “But adorable”

“I don’t understand–“

“I want to say yes, but you haven’t exactly asked me out yet” That jumpstarted Tony’s brain.

“Do you want to have dinner with me sometime?”

“I’m free this weekend” And Tony didn’t even want to try to hold back the smile that stretched across his face. Maybe he’ll buy Rhodey a car and leave his organs intact for now.

“Ah, before I forget, I need to tell you something Tony”

“Yeah?”

“I was reading the Book of Numbers and I realized that I don’t have yours”

**Author's Note:**

> Legit though, if someone used these lines on me, I would laugh until my spleen bled out and than say yes :D They’re all horribly cheesy and cringe-worthy but hilarious all the same. My all-time favorite line is the one about the flock of sheep, what's yours?


End file.
